The Winners of Super Bowl LIX

The highly anticipated rematch of Chiefs Vs Eagles took place last night and the Philadelphia Eagles took their belts off and beat the Chiefs ass so badly that their cheeks matched their helmets by the end of the game.

In a game that was a complete and utter domination, it's hard to think of any winners besides the city of Philadelphia and Birds fans but I'm here to set the record straight and give you all the true winners of the night.

WINNERS

Saquon Barkley & Jalen Hurts

The entire Eagles roster is in the winners category, but to me, these two stand out the most.

In a year in which the noise around the Eagles was constant criticism of Jalen or his relationship with his star receiver AJ Brown, Hurts shut all the haters up last night with the way he handled the daunted Chiefs defense. Hurts made all the right decisions in the biggest moments and has proven himself a top 5 quarterback in the NFL. If no one was there, he pulled it down and took off, and if he had a guy open, he was throwing lasers that couldn't be better if he handed it to them. Undoubtedly, people will find a way to criticize Hurts going forward because haters will hate, but it's hard to hate on someone who just won MVP and will have you kiss the ring in return.

This time last year Saquon was telling the GM of the New York Giants he didn't want to return to the 6-11 team that seemingly couldn't build around their franchise back because they were too busy shelling out 20 million to Daniel Jones. So in turn, in his first year in Philly. Saquon put pressure on the single-season rushing record and had an MVP-caliber year behind the best offensive line in football. Saquon hit one home run after another during the Eagles playoff run and it was evident that he was the focus of the Chiefs defensive gameplan which opened up the field for guys like Smith, Brown, and Dotson. 97 total yards is nothing to write home about but being that big of a threat still proved to be a valuable asset to the team and a major contribution in the ass-whooping that was handed to Kansas City. One last note, this fucking guy slams shotguns faster than I've ever seen and I'd like to see him go head-to-head against Ronnie Doitche. Elite at everything, just ain't fair.

TOM BRADY & BILL BELICHICK

The GOATS of quarterbacking and coaching can rest easy this year knowing their legacies remain above the rest. It's not that Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid can't still tie or pass them but it's just going to be that much harder. Making it to the Super Bowl is no easy feat, just ask Joe Burrow who appeared to be the next golden boy, slaying the Chiefs once and losing in the big game only to not appear in the playoffs since.

The main thing for Mahomes and Reid was they had the shot to do what no team has ever done, 3-peat. They were the first team to make it to a 3rd after winning back-to-back, so kudos to that, but was the ass-kicking they received worth it? Is the way they lost damaging to their legacies? Brady and Belichick have NEVER seen a loss like that in the big one and when they did lose it was usually associated with some freak or trick play. I.E. Helmet catch, Philly Special. Also, now Andy Reid has a .500 record in Super Bowls, 3-2 with the Chiefs in 11 years, and 0-1 with the Eagles. For a 66-year-old head coach, he's running out of time to catch the goat.

As for Mahomes, is it time we start questioning if he's a real threat to catch Brady? If you look at his numbers the last two seasons he's struggled to have the seasons we were accustomed to seeing. The Chiefs have rebranded into a defensive juggernaut who seems to make the right plays at the right time and I attribute most of that to coaching. He hasn't thrown for 30 touchdowns the last two years and this season didn't crack 4000 yards passing. His performance in last night's game was bad, like, really bad. In the first half, Mahomes was 6-14 with 33 yards and only had a decent line thanks to garbage time. #Notmygoat

MAX DOLENTE

As an AWL, it would be disrespectful not to have Max on this list of winners. He's been tortured and tormented by the boys on PMT and 2 years ago watched his team lose and provided one of if not the best photos of a losing fan.

This episode of Pardon My Take should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame in the Sickos & Perverts section if you ask me and it makes me feel like the Birds might've done it for him. Props to Max for keeping his phone and refusing the champagne this year, well deserved. Happy for Max, what a year.

That's my top 3 (or 5 technically) winners of the night and I've got to lock in on Luka's debut soon. VIVA!