Marlee & Me... Be Careful What You Wish For

Getting a puppy brings on feelings of hope, excitement, love, and a little worry. For those of us who claim to be "dog people" or "experienced," we may claim not to be worried when adding to our furry family and say things like "I've done it before", "I can train them easily", or other self-boasting, overconfident nonsense. With time, you quickly find out that your work is cut out for you. So to be of assistance to any of you looking for a puppy, I'd like to lay out a timeline and what to expect in the first week or so.

DAYS 1 THROUGH 3: "My Little Angel"

The honeymoon phase hits like no other. You want to take your pride and joy everywhere and tell everyone how sweet and calm they've been. How she's done so well at home and hasn't had an accident or even how she just wants to stay by your side. Enjoy this while you can. Grasp that feeling and don't let go because you're on the road from "My little Angel" to "That little shit."

During this adorable phase you'll get the big-eyed look that screams "I could never do anything wrong." and you'll be fooled. You can do your best to keep your guard up but in the end, you're new angel will have you looking like the court jester trying to explain yourself to those ready to say "I told you so."

Most of all through this phase, they'll be timid to explore, won't touch anything but their bones or toys, and demonstrate why it is you chose to bring them home.

DAYS 3-6- Getting Comfortable

More and more your new puppy will prove why they're meant to be here. Specifically for those of us welcoming it into a home already occupied by one furry companion, you'll see the bond between the two grow.

In my situation, Mayer was already extremely familiar with meeting, socializing, and living with other dogs. Through my time in the Navy and post-separation, he's lived with 3 other dogs, all of which he got along with well and taught how to dog. He's a special dog and I felt it was his time to be a true role model. So far he has done so by teaching her how to chew the bone, how to snuggle in any scenario, and how we don't bite down when we play. None of these lessons are resonating but he's doing his best.

Marlee follows her big brother everywhere and has even learned to "shake" by watching him demonstrate it. She wants everything that he wants and when I walk them out back without the leash, follows him stride for stride. Mayer even regrettably showed her how to use her voice, dammit. Her admiration of him is a beautiful thing and it's a bond stronger than I could've hoped for.

DAY 7 AND BEYOND- "Look At Me, I Am The Captain Now"

Now that your puppy is comfortable with her new surroundings and family, it's go time. Every item is now theirs, every room is now a toilet, everything is climbable, and most importantly, everything is chewable.

Like most puppies, the first thing Marlee went after was my shoes. She will take them as soon as I kick them off and trot off like she got a fresh kill. To disrupt this habit, I idiotically placed the shoes somewhere higher, forgetting that everything is now climbable, and returned from the gym to discover that my work shoes no longer had laces. So off to Marshalls I went to replace the old pair with a well-priced pair of Adidas but unfortunately, before I could even break them in, the little bitch chewed the loop off the back while I was playing COD with the shoes right next to my feet. Whatever, add it to the list.

Marlee's Chew Toys:

• Nikes

• Adidas

• Steelers Super Bowl Hat

• 2 Belts

• Kitchen Rug

• Corner Of Wall

• Bathroom Rug

• Couch Pillows

• TV Remote

• Steelers Socks

• Coat Jacket

• Microphone Cord

• USB Charger

• Paper Towels

• Headphone Cord

Not Marlee's Chew Toys

• Actual Toys

Most of this takes place right in front of my dumb face in the assumption that she's still being my little angel.

Another lesson I've learned since Captain Marlee assumed her role is that she won't be confined behind anything but bars. Stupidly, I thought barricading her in the basement with Mayer would prove fruitful. There's a full couch, a queen-sized bed, and nothing but an open floor. It would be like crate training but in a big crate with company and room to roam. Only to come home to find my loyal boy Mayer stranded behind the barricade and Marlee shaking ass at the top of the stairs in celebration of her escape. How my 15-pound 3-month-old puppy managed to vault a queen-sized box spring is beyond my knowledge or imagination.

Today the crate was brought in and in one last-ditch effort to let her be semi-free, I blocked the steps with it and ran to the gas station. Again I returned to find her past the blockade doing her best Megan The Stallion impression at the top of the steps.

Then it was time to end the charade, set "Locked Up" by Akon to play on repeat, and send her away.

I won't bitch about the accidents because that's a part of the puppy process, but I will advise to have the shampooer on standby.

I wanted my own version of Marley & Me. Be careful what you wish for.