FEAR ME MASCOTS, FOR I AM THE FACE OF DEATH

Well in the latest slice spun on the blog wheel, I got an amazing idea sent to me by Barstool Sports employee, YAK Gauntlet goalie, dog lover (wink), and fellow UVA fan, Jake Malasek:

So I got into researching and went down a deep rabbit hole of college mascots at all levels. I factored in things such as "Are they muscular/big as shit?" and "Do they have a gun?" Things I know that I wouldn't be able to overcome if it came down to me and a mascot going into a room and only one of us walking out. So find the venue, cut the promos, and sell the tickets. Here are the mascots who's ass I'd kick and why:

OTTO THE ORANGE (Syracuse), BIG RED (Western Kentucky), & BLUE BLOB (Xavier)

These 3 colorful mascots are Grimace knockoffs with way less aura. Now if it's a 3-v-1, I might not be able to hold my own. But one on one? I'm taking a bigger bite out of that smug Orange than college teams did against Boeheim's 2-3 zone his last couple years as coach. REED VS OTTO THE ORANGE: 1ST ROUND KNOCKOUT FEATURING A TYSON-ESQUE BITE. Big Red has an insane build with a massive head and gut but regular sized arms and legs. My goal would be to just tire him out as he looks low in the cardio department before going in for the kill. REED VS BIG RED: 3RD ROUND SUBMISSION/TKO. The Blue Blob looks like if Cookie Monster and Otto the Orange had a drunk night one stand and produced this fuzzy atrocity. Look at that schnoz too. One punch or kick and that thing will be broken. It's going to be hard to grapple him though as it appears he has no neck. REED VS BLUE BLOB: 2ND ROUND TKO AND ONE BROKEN NOSE FROM A HEADBUTT

GOLDY GOPHER (MINNESOTA)

A gopher!? A simple gopher with teeth like Timmy Turner? No muscles, no swag, no weapons unless he bites me. I would steamroll this Walmart-version groundhog with a flying head kick. REED VS GOLDY GOPHER: 4TH ROUND MEDICAL STOPPAGE AFTER LOSING ALL HIS TEETH

SAM THE MINUTEMAN (UMass)

Another mascot with awful teeth and they're BROWN. This idiot looks like Gaston from Beauty & The Beast who's already very punchable. Also why in the hell is a patriotic mascot modeled after Paul Revere literally wearing A RED COAT. Have some respect to our nation's history. REED VS SAM THE MINUTEMAN: A MINUTE CHOKEOUT ON THE MINUTEMAN

SMOKEY (Tennessee) & UGA (Georgia)

I would never hit an animal. I'm not a monster. But if I had to...REED VS BOTH DOG MASCOTS: FORFEIT FROM SMOKEY AND UGA AFTER I GIVE THEM A BELLY RUB AND BONE

BRUTUS BUCKEYE (Ohio State)

As long as Ryan Day is the coach, I'm sure Brutus would be beating me early on and then blow the lead so I can win. Brutus looks like he can take a hit with that massive head but then I remembered his head is quite literally a nut. REED VS BRUTUS BUCKEYE: 5TH ROUND KNOCKOUT AFTER CRACKING HIS NUT SKULL OPEN

STANFORD TREE (Stanford)

Talk about nightmare fuel. How does Stanford who's team is called the "Cardinals" decide to have an armless tree as their mascot? I get that Cardinal comes from their Cardinal Red color but you couldn't have a bird? It's not just that it's a tree that bothers me. It's the fact it's a disgustingly ugly tree. With no arms. REED VS STANFORD TREE: THE TREE LEGIT CAN'T THROW A PUNCH AND I GET CHARGED WITH ATTEMPTED MURDER FOR BRINGING AN AXE

FRIAR DOM (Providence)

Yes I am Christian. No I don't mind taking Friar Dom to church by hitting him with an elbow sent from the Heavens. REED VS FRIAR DOM: 4TH ROUND TKO AND ONE CONFESSIONAL TO REPENT

THE FIGHTING: OKRA (Delta State), ARTICHOKE (Scottsdale Community College), & PICKLE (UNCSA)

Ok now we're diving into deeper cuts here. Apparently super small colleges love their vegetables. First up is the Fighting Okra out of Delta State. Sure it appears he might have boxing gloves but I'll bring the deep fryer. REED VS FIGHTING OKRA: ONE DELICIOUS YET OVERPRICED APPETIZER. Next up is a goofy looking artichoke from a community college. Look at that reach. It's legit non-existent. REED VS FIGHTING ARTICHOKE: A GREAT DIP AFTER I COMBINE HIS DEAD BODY WITH SPINACH SINCE THE OKRA DIDN'T FILL ME UP. Lastly in the fighting green vegetables is a Pepé Le Pew wannabe complete with a tutu, mask, and a beret. Bring a canvas and use his pickle juice blood as paint. REED VS FIGHTING PICKLE: A NICE ADDITION TO MY MAIN COURSE SANDWICH

SPEEDY THE GEODUCK (Evergreen State)

Ok what the actual fuck is a "Geoduck"? Apparently after a quick Google search it's a distant cousin from the worse side of the clam family. Instead it looks like those anchovies in SpongeBob that kept saying "meep". REED VS GEODUCK: 3RD ROUND MURDER AFTER SHUCKING HIM UP

SAMMY THE BANANA SLUG (UCSC)

Easy win right here and I only need one word to detail how I would beat this vile creature in no time:

REED VS SAMMY THE BANANA SLUG: SALT

SISTER JEAN (Loyola-Chicago)

Look I get it. Sister Jean is not the official mascot of Loyola-Chicago but she is in our hearts. This 105-year old woman is a sweetheart and has me a little worried she might dabble in the dark arts. Easily my toughest opponent yet, so I'll go this route: REED VS SISTER JEAN: THE JAKE PAUL ROUTE. FIGHT SOMEONE WAY OLDER THAN ME, HYPE IT UP, GET PAID, AND GO THE DISTANCE AFTER TAKING PITY.