Surviving Barstool: The Muppet Power Rankings

Before we get into what everyone came here for; figuring out which Muppet Brandon Walker is (we all know, right?) let me quickly introduce myself.

My name is Pat Geary, but online I go by Poolside Pat.

Why Poolside? Because pools rock. Somewhere deep in the YouTube archives, you can find me reviewing a handful of them. The plan was simple: get famous, or at least get free hotel rooms. Shockingly, the bit never caught on.

I was born and raised in the great state of Connecticut and now live in St. Louis, MO. As a New Englander, I naturally grew up a diehard St. Louis Cardinals fan as one does. Sports have always been a huge part of my life: playing them, watching them, and now writing and gambling on them. A natural progression.

I’ve spent the last decade working in golf course maintenance, starting as a greenskeeper and eventually becoming an Assistant Superintendent. Somewhere along the way, I stumbled upon a podcast called Pardon My Take, and my life was never the same.

I don’t remember the first episode I listened to, but I can safely say I’ve been an AWL from basically the beginning. That turned into a full‑blown love — no, an unhealthy obsession — with all things Barstool. It shaped my personality, my humor, and honestly, parts of my life. Barstool has made me laugh, cry, scream, and celebrate. I’m a Stoolie through and through, and I genuinely thank God I found PMT when I did. What Barstool has given me can’t be repaid. I’m indebted to every personality who has come and gone, and I’ll be banging the drum for Barstool until kingdom come.

Anywho, I could write a longer, more boring blog about myself, but that’s not what you’re here for. You’re here to see which Surviving Barstool competitors match which Muppets.

Let’s get into it.

(Note: I’m also power‑ranking them based on where I think they currently stand in the game. Take note, per the “Note.”) (P.S. I am also aware that there was a social media page that was posting pictures of Barstool employees as Muppets. Took some inspiration from that, shoutout that page if it still exists.) 1. Brandon F. Walker = Big Bird

Sure, I could’ve gone in a few different directions, Oscar the Grouch, Sam the Eagle, even Sweetums on certain days but this was the only real choice.

Tall. Loud. Occasionally bewildered by the world he lives in. Somehow always at the center of everything.

And he’s #1 because I refuse to believe that with $250K on the line, BFW isn’t quietly pulling the strings. Big Bird Energy. All day. 2. Rone = Uncle Deadly

A deep cut, but an absolutely perfect one.

Rone is a rare case of MME — Multiple Muppet Energy. You could argue Gonzo, Rowlf, The Count, Dr. Teeth, even Kermit depending on the day. The Muppet possibilities are endless.

But in this game? There’s only one answer.

Rone is playing with a sage‑like mentality — nothing off limits, no stone unturned, no strategy too bold. He’s in it to win it, and he’s doing it with a theatrical, almost Greek‑tragedy flair.

Uncle Deadly. If you’re unfamiliar, educate yourself: https://youtu.be/jdjPbX1eGfk?si=TBOHhedAYmNfC83o 3. Dana Beers = BoBo The Bear

If you’re not familiar with Bobo the Bear, get familiar. This dude is a boss. I could’ve used a more unflattering picture of both Dana and Bobo, but the way Dana is playing this game, he’s far from the “goofy security guard” version of BoBo.

Not A Picture Of Dana Beers

Sure, during the Ring of Fire episode, Dana probably felt and even looked like Bobo in his more confused moments, but Bobo is a silent assassin when he needs to be. Lovable, aloof, but capable of flipping the switch.

Dana is the same way. Often an ancillary character, but when given the opportunity, he rises to the occasion. He’s playing way better than I anticipated and has positioned himself nicely heading into the Final 6. 4. Tommy Smokes = Walter (Jim Parsons Version)

I almost didn’t compare Tommy to a Muppet because… look at that picture. He might be the most Muppety man alive.

And I mean that in a good way.

Tommy deserves the leading‑man role, just like Walter in The Muppets movie. Earnest, wide‑eyed, dramatic, and convinced he’s the star of the show even when he’s not.

Some will say he’s too low on this list, but I’m not seeing the killer instinct we’ve seen in past games sans anytime he gets to flex his mental muscle. He feels a little too loyal, a little too entrenched. But Tommy can flip on a dime, so this could easily be him pulling the wool over our eyes.

Much like a very clever Muppet. 5. Marty Mush = Rizzo The Rat

Was there any other option? I considered Animal, Gonzo, a few others but this one just felt right.

Rizzo is one of the most recognizable, yet underrated Muppets. Loyal, consistent, streetwise, sarcastic, and the thick Jersey accent.

Come on. Swap Jersey for Long Island and this is Marty Mush in Muppet form.

Marty has positioned himself well, but I’m not sure he has the juice to get to the finish line. $250K is a lot of pizza dough, and that kind of money can make a man act uncharacteristically. We’ll see.

Other than Big Bird, this might be the best comparison on the list. 6. Glenny Balls = Fozzie Bear

Was there anywhere else this could go?

Lovable. Goofy. Cracking jokes. Rarely wearing a shirt. It’s all there.

I have Glenny at #6 because there’s simply no world where someone who no longer works for the company should win this competition. Crazier things have happened and Fozzie does shock people from time to time but for now, I’m just enjoying Glenny’s run. I’ve always been a big fan.

Surviving Barstool is chaos, comedy, strategy, betrayal, and heart which makes it the perfect playground for Muppet comparisons. Every competitor brings their own brand of madness, and every Muppet has a spirit that matches someone in the game.

Whether it’s Big Bird pulling strings, Uncle Deadly plotting in the shadows, or Rizzo the Rat trying to survive on pure vibes, this cast is giving us everything.

As the game winds down, alliances will crumble, loyalties will snap, and someone will walk away $250K richer.

Poolside Pat, signing off. Wocka wocka.