QUICK! QUICK! Ohio's Tate Released the Punishment List!

Yo stoolies! Ohio’s Tate released the punishment list, it's now officially football season. With his Ohio State Buckeyes going into the season ranked 3rd, and as the defending national champions, expectations are sky-high for an undefeated run.

With 5-star QB Julian Sayin officially named the starter for the 2025 season, from the looks of this list Tate is feeling really strong about the Buckeyes running the table into the College Football Playoff. But here it's time to rank these 2025 punishments & we’re going to focus on two things: the harshness of the punishment and the probability of a potential loss.

12. Purdue – Ride a train across the country, Maine to SoCal

This one really only sucks because it’s time-consuming. Otherwise, it’s just a nice scenic route through America(ROAD TRIP BOYS), also with WiFi and food. Now he may add tougher stipulations like no bed or something. But really, it’s just the time it’ll take.

Loss Probability: 1–3%

11. Minnesota – Dig a gopher hole and sleep overnight

    

This one depended on the time of year. If it were November, different story, but early October shouldn’t be freezing yet. So really, it’s just the physical labor of digging a hole. Honestly, it could be a throwback to childhood, I mean who didn’t wanna dig a hole back in the day? Or was that just a country boy thing?

Loss Probability: 7–9%

10. Grambling State – Perform a drum solo at a high school football game

Alright, so this one would suck. If Tate has no musical talent, it’ll be quite embarrassing. Great content, though. BUT lets talk a second, a loss to Grambling State might leave Tate unable to function, or even want to be alive at all. So I’ve got it low due to the EXTREMELY impossible factor of it happening.

Loss Probability: –50,000%

9. Ohio – Legally change name to Bob Katz

Another extremely low possibility of a loss. But this one is more tedious than anything. Dealing with all the government documents would be the real punishment, not the name itself. I mean, the name low-key kinda fucks.

Loss Probability: –10%

Okay, now we get into another level, the possibility of losses gets higher and the punishments take a step up. This is where the worry level kicks in for him a bit I'd assume.

8. UCLA – Drive from Chicago to LA and back without leaving the car

Anyone who’s done road trips knows this would suck. Not being able to stop for a night or stretch out? Brutal. I’d assume whoever’s with him would be the one getting out for gas and snacks, which has to feel shitty while you’re stuck in the car. Mental & lower-back torture chamber.

Loss Probability: 7–9%

7. Illinois – Dress up as Abe Lincoln and recite the Gettysburg Address from memory (one attempt per day until done)

This one doesn’t sound that bad on paper, and you’re probably yelling at me for ranking it too high. But I factored in the much higher probability of actually losing. Factoring both punishment and chances of loss together, my formula spit out a higher ranking. Don’t hate me, hate math.

Loss Probability: 25–30%

6. Washington – Volunteer at PAWS for an hour for every point the Huskies score

I’m shocked he brought back a points-based punishment, especially after the 320 peeps incident (though of course, he found a way to bring food into it...check below). This is less physical, but emotionally brutal. If I’m volunteering 20–30 hours in a week, I’m adopting every damn dog there.

Loss Probability: 15–20%

Okay, the next major gap occurs here. This is where things start to get very dicey for Coach Tate. The potential for bodily harm enters the chat now.

5. Rutgers – Enter the National Jousting Tournament dressed as a knight in shining armor

This one could be problematic in a lot of ways. First, the man is still working toward benching 135 lbs...so all that equipment plus a joust may be a bit much (no offense, just journalistic reporting). Second, a broken collarbone or shoulder injury seems highly probable. Luckily for him, Rutgers winning is nowhere close to even a maybe.

Loss Probability: 9–11%

4. Michigan – Walk of shame from Ann Arbor to Columbus (176 miles) carrying 3rd base

This one sucks, no doubt. Michigan fans would be on his ass the whole way back. But honestly, the pain of losing to your rival numbs everything else. True college football fans get it, losing to your rival is worse than any punishment.

Loss Probability: 30–35%

3. Wisconsin – Take a bath in nacho cheese until he finds and eats 100 cheese curds

This one’s high on the list purely because of the potential harm. There’s no way bathing in nacho cheese is good for your skin. Add in eating 100 curds on top of it, it’s gotta take years off a man’s life, right?

Loss Probability: 15–20%

2. Texas – Be the rodeo clown at a professional bull-riding event

This is straight-up dangerous. If you haven’t seen the videos, a quick Google search will show you...just be advised. Combine that with the fact that this is their toughest game, with a first-time starting QB… BOLD MOVE, TATE. Might want to hit up Amazon for a hat and boots.

Loss Probability: 50–55%

1. Penn State – Color every inch of his body with a blue pen (Pens Tate)

At first glance, this seems over-ranked. Wrong. Ever heard of ink poisoning? Yeah, it’s real look that shit up. Plus, it’s not coming off in one shower. And what if it’s back-to-back with the cheese bath(check the schedule)? Long-term skin damage incoming.

Loss Probability: 55–60%

Soo you gotta think a normal man would look at this list and shudder in fear. But for Ohio’s Tate, fear is masked by love for his Buckeyes, and countless Barstool After Dark punishments. Of course, us sicko Stoolies would be in candyland if this was finally the year Ohio State went 9–3 or 8–4. One man’s living hell would easily be Barstool content gold. College football already brings out the crazies, add punishments to the mix, and I can’t even imagine Tate’s DMs every Saturday this fall.