HONEY THE OHIO'S TATE PUNISHMENTS DROPPED: Full Breakdown

The internet has won again. After tweets & comments poured in with football season just around the bend, Ohio's Tate & his punishment list make their highly anticipated return! Another year of not being able to truly enjoy his Saturdays fully, for us, the fans, to potentially get to see him put himself through unimaginable feats if his Buckeyes fall short of a victory! As the list drops, it is time to dive into what is in store for Tate this fall.

So again, what is clearly in Tate's favor is the amount of talent on the Buckeyes' roster, as yet again going 12-0 is fully in the cards. BUT there is also a realistic 10-2 or rock-bottom 9-3 lurking in the shadows as well. Let's go week by week and give him a Punishment Probability & Impact on Life Expectancy meter.

Game 1: Ball State (MAC)

Well out of the gates, not holding back. Of course the confidence level is sky-high for Tate with his Buckeyes in this one. Though what if 5'10, 250 lb Keldric Luster takes this thing by the balls (yes, pun intended, come on, low-hanging fruit, people!) & just shocks the world... it could happen... right? WRONG! Our guy's legacy feels quite safe here.

• Punishment Probability: 0.0001% It ain't happening, Ball State. Plain & Simple.

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 77% Okay, I guess this is more on future potential Lil Tate life, but still taking that into account.

Game 2: AT Texas (SEC)

UHHHHHH, we have ourselves a BIG problem here. Arch Manning will want revenge from his horrific game last year, & it's on the road. The Tate camp will be sitting on pins & needles already in Week 2, maybe better start scouting the most comfortable McDonald's is all I'm saying.

• Punishment Probability: 75% Night game in Austin... YIKES!

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 35% I might need to fact-check this, but Morgan Spurlock is dead, right...? :(

Game 3: Kent State (MAC)

The Fightin' KB's have noooooooooooooooooo shot. Tate should be feeling good in Week 3 with his belly full of Angus.

• Punishment Probability: 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000001% If Kent State wins this game, I'll stand alongside Tate with two bats.

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 95% Well of course, this one is pretty high on the potential death scale...or at the very least, permanent health damage.

Game 4: Illinois (B10)

Frisky... I will say that much about this one. Illinois is said to have a good offense with Katin Houser back in the B10. Still, I feel the worry scale is fairly light... but it feels frisky, I'll say that much.

• Punishment Probability: 6.8% Houser would have to throw for 400 to make this close to possible... but FRISKY.

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 13% I feel like this is more so the Heisman forever holding it against him for being orange in their engagement photos... the married boys know the ladies take the photos VERY seriously.

Game 5: AT Iowa (B10)

THE BIRDS! IF you don't know it, Halloween is coming up, check it out! Okay though, we have another potential sweat-it-out game for the opposite reason. We know Iowa football and how they can keep themselves in a rock fight with all of a sudden a chance to win. Tate may want to ask Brandon Walker some tricks about birds!

• Punishment Probability: 28% It is gonna be ugly, but with a win, he is safe.

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 47% Birds are kind of evil. Also, Tate being patient zero for the newest bird flu would be very on-par for Barstool.

Game 6: Maryland (B10)

My guy can sleep in, hit a brunch spot, & check the score from the farmers' market, 'cause this is a no-worry Saturday... I mean, Maryland? HAH!

• Punishment Probability: 0.05% It's Maryland football... they are most known for having the team colors of the evil team in Gridiron Gang!

• Impact on Life Expectancy: -15% I mean, this is actually something he might just wanna work into his workout routine.

Game 7: AT Indiana (B10)

Okay, buckle in (yes, a pun, geez, stop asking!), Tate. This feels very 50/50... Though also, Interception Hoover could show up to your rescue!

• Punishment Probability: 50% This one is right down the middle. He will need his defense to step up.

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 10% Okay, yes, this is a workout, so you would think it wouldn't hurt life expectancy, but I worry about my guy's organs if those Big Macs are still swirling around!

Game 8: AT USC (B10)

Oh boy, we are right in the middle of hell for Tate. Second of 3 in a row that could go very, very wrong! This one has a "who has the ball last" type of game feel to it... Tate will be on edge yet another Saturday.

• Punishment Probability: 50% TRULY 50/50. This one will be a fun game for those not worried about a punishment, to be honest.

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 7% Now, Big Cat is gonna pull the trigger at the most random time, we all know that, but the threat to life feels not as high as, say, next week...

Game 9: Oregon (B10)

HOW IN THE HELL, MAN!?! Running back the Peep punishment should negate any trolls on this man's Twitter for at least 3 months. Also, let me remind you that Oregon is the favorite across the board to win the national championship this year... soooo yeah.

• Punishment Probability: 61% Might want to hit Costco for a bulk order...

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 91% Uhhhhhh, just what if... I'm saying, what if this game is like 42-38... We may truly have a problem for Tate. This 3-week stretch could possibly be historically bad for the state of Ohio.

Game 10: Northwestern (B10)

Teacher Tate better be ready for test day... NOT! This will be a get-right game for the Buckeyes as he can finally rest easy on a Saturday for the first time in a month!

• Punishment Probability: 2.2% Ohio State would have to be on their 3rd string everything on offense.

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 0.03% Pretty much just being stuck there forever to pass the test would be the only hit on his life.

Game 11: AT Nebraska (B10)

We have another FRISKY Saturday with a potential look ahead to The Big Game in the works for the Buckeyes. Also, what if they are already a 2- or 3-loss team, maybe out of playoff contention... FRISKY Cornhuskers!

• Punishment Probability: 21% Some bad weather & players looking ahead to Michigan... it could happen, Will Compton... it could.

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 5.6% It is said to be tough to digest corn, and if his system is still recovering from the Peep-a-thon, this could be a long-term issue arising.

Game 12: Michigan (B10)

This one is a rivalry that has to make it 50/50 from the jump. So much can throw this one either way, too, from importance in the big picture to bad weather. The holiday weekend will not be one of ease for Tate.

• Punishment Probability: 47% Being in The 'Shoe is huge, but still, what if Tommy Carr has taken the Michigan Men over and is slinging it...

• Impact on Life Expectancy: 0.7% There's a chance....I mean, always a chance of an infection... just saying.

WOW, the man did not hold back this year one damn bit. When he shared this list with me, I told him it feels tough for the trolls of the internet to poke holes in it, especially when you actually do run down this schedule. 9-3 is not crazy! It also makes you wonder: what was the Heisman's veto used on?!?! While it is going to be a great fall of football for us... there are gonna be a lot of long Saturdays & potentially weeks ahead for Ohio's Tate.