Happy 7/28 Day To All Who Celebrate

It all comes down to this. After weeks of chirping, injuries, conspiracies, and bizarre side plots that would make a Real Housewives reunion look tame, Barstool New York and Team KMS face off in the deciding Game 3 rubber match of the most unintentionally electric basketball trilogy in content history. The Berlin Ball tips at 7:30 ET tonight.

One team is built for moments like this—the other is coached by a guy who can’t control his own roster and has a player who literally struggles to walk and talk at the same time. You do the math at who that player is. (Hint: the answer is below)

The New York boys roll into Game 3 with blood in their eyes. Rico Bosco, the certified glue guy, motivator, vocal leader, and founding father of “Program Culture,” has been treating this like Game 7 of the NBA Finals.

He’s been logging hours in the gym, watching tape, getting shots up at various locations at all hours of the night, and even cutting out caffeine to stay sharp. This is a man on a mission. And this isn’t just a basketball game for Bosco and us fellow Ryders, it’s a referendum on loyalty, toughness, and keeping receipts.

Marty Mush, with his unorthodox game and questionable decision-making, remains a wild card, but in the chaos of Barstool hoops, that might be an asset and can't possibly play worse than he did in Game 2. JetSki has bounce and brings an energizer-rabbit presence that KMS has no real answer for. And Mulcahy? The man is a bucket and a half, a smooth player who could easily be mistaken for a Division III All-American if you squint just right.

And oh yeah, Dana. F**king. Beers. is back. 6’3” Ozempic warrior with a high school double-double career and the swagger of a guy who drank 19 beers at half time and still put up numbers. Albeit, Team KMS got his refs who also tried out for the team since Beers was allowed on the roster to replace injured Pat.

Let’s also talk about the sideline situation. Dave Portnoy aka El Pres, who was supposed to be drawing up plays and throwing clipboards, bailed at the eleventh hour allegedly due to “mold” in his house. Mold. Not exactly MJ’s flu game, but here we are.

In his absence, Meek Phill takes over head coaching duties. While quieter than Portnoy, Phill has one major advantage, he actually knows who’s on the team and how to use them. Expect a tighter rotation and less sideline drama. He has watched 86 straight Knicks losses and still knows more ball than KMS assistant coach Ryan Whitney, who legit might not understand basketball isn’t played on skates.

And let’s be honest: this is Rico’s team now anyway.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the scorers' table, you’ve got Team KMS, aka the Dysfunctional Avengers.

Kirk Minihane, who has been treating this like a Shakespearean blood feud, will no doubt have his guys fired up. But emotionally unstable doesn’t always translate to wins. His Game 2 squad pulled off a gutsy upset in honor of a fallen Cinema Lords teammate, and credit where credit’s due: they rallied behind tragedy and beat Barstool NY straight-up.

But that win came with Mut in the mix (before he was literally hit by a car), and we’re not sure that lightning strikes twice. Matt from Providence plays hard, but let’s not pretend this guy is locking anyone down. Beanbag Ron looks like he was created in a lab that only had leftover parts from YMCA pickup players. And then there’s Gus, who should be banned from the hardwood until he proves he can dribble and breathe at the same time. The guy might be the worst player in organized content sports.

KMS is clinging to moral victories and podcast monologues. Barstool NY is playing for legacy. Rico and Co. knows what’s at stake. A win here erases Game 2, ends Minihane’s victory laps, and restores balance to the Barstool basketball universe. No one wants to be part of a documentary that ends with Kirk Minihane popping orange soda and screaming about accountability.

Former Barstool head coach Chris Klemmer turned his back on his fellow co-workers to join up with team KMS. One team is built for big moments. The other is coached by a guy who looks like he irons his jeans and eats frozen peas for dinner. Spoiler alert: that’s Klemmer. Certified skell. Benedict Arnold of Barstool. Betrayed the Program to ride shotgun with Kirk Minihane like some 42-year-old AAU groupie.

Although he can GM the shit out of teams (OHHHH DOCTOR), his coaching style leaves a lot to be desired and was a real reason why Barstool blew an early lead in Game 2.

Tonight, clips will fly. The tweets will be toxic. There might (will) be blood. But one thing is certain: Barstool New York is coming for war. This isn’t “content basketball”, this is Rico Bosco’s revenge tour. And the final stop is ripping KMS’s heart out on center court.

Final prediction: Barstool NY by 8. Rico puts up 8-5-4 with 11 floor slaps and 3 drawn charges. Mulcahy leads in scoring. Marty Mush hits a completely unnecessary heat-check three that seals it. And Gus accidentally throws the ball off his own foot for the fifth time in the series.

Must win for the program.

(If you have made it this far in the article, retweet the link and automatically be entered to win $20 on a random wheel spin if Barstool NY wins the game tonight)