Barstool Beach House: Week 2 Power Rankings

Week 2 of Barstool Beach House is in the books and once again, and to no ones surprise, I enjoyed every second of it. I saw there was some online chatter, that this week was a bit lacking, in the drama department. But with multiple screaming matches and Nicky Smokes being called a rapist in week 1... it was always going to be hard to top. One thing i will say is, we need to stay at Osprey. The cast went to some other bar one night and it was just bad vibes. I felt the lack of energy though my phone. Some bouncer even talked shit to Katic for having too much fun (fucking loser). The staff seemed to just tolerate them, and even pissed at times that Barstool was even there. Osprey knows what's up. Let the animals roam. Let Katic bartend. Let Ella make it clap on the bar. Let Bri take her top off. Just let the boys play. We're all having fun here. You're a night club... isn't that the point? No ones hurting nobody.

A few talking points of the weekend:

• Oona & Ella are Eskimo sisters: This turned out to be much of nothing since both seemed fine when they talked after the fact. I guess i understand you don't want your business all out there, but who gives a fuck? They both hooked up with the same guy like a year a apart. He's hot, they're hot... what's the issue. The only thing that was kinda fucked, was saying his name since he didn't sign up for the show. Shoutout the legend Kevin.

• Meek Unleashed: Meek was a menace. Guy was sitting at a table of 12-14 people, and assumed all 8 green tea shots placed in front of him were for him. He kept saying he was fine and doing his job but he did puke, get tweeted at by his boss Dave, and took a hard fall attempting to crowd surf.

• Boat Party: It was a bummer that the crew took it easy night 1 knowing they had the boat early the next day but once we got there, the energy picked up. Ella & Katic lead the charge as always. Fun watch.

• Tommy Cracks: Tommy made love to a human women this weekend which was rad. I'm with Smokes... I get hyped when my boys spread cheeks. Even though I'm not boys with Tommy per say... I still love to see it.

• Janny: This one got a bit messy. Danny and Jackie also made love with each other, which in its self, really shouldn't have been a cause for drama. The issue was when productions screenshots were made public, where they are talking about how loud the act was. During this revelation, the Beach House TikTok was Live, and then abruptly ended when Jackie got upset. The stoolie group chat was going wild with speculation, and even some hate. Why are they cutting the Live?!?! THIS IS WHAT WE WANT TO SEE!!!!! But... we spoke to soon, and shortly after they posted everything.

On to the rankings.

10. Oona: I thought week 2 would be a breakout for Oona. I thought she would get her sea legs week 1, and come out hot this week. Unfortunately, she was mostly in the background. She did have some good screen time with the Ella & Kevin (LEGEND) drama, but it was short lived. Maybe she's just not that outgoing? Maybe she just doesn't have it in her. I'm not sure. I think just saying yes to the show was enough for her to get hired full-time once this is over, but damn, i wish she would just let it rip, Blackout! Steal something! Shit on the floor idk, something!

9. Annika: This one pains me. As you know I fuck with Annika heavy, but i have to be impartial here. The rankings are true and just. Even Annika would agree that she hasn't been all that electric. She admittingly not drinking much which, yes... is probably great for her personally, and for her mental health but this is reality TV... we don't want healthy well adjusted people... WE WANT BLOOD!!! It really kills me because i know she has it. We see glimpses of it but that's just not enough. im really hoping at Camp Barstool some one can get in her ear and convince her to just let it fucking rip.

8. Dante: Solid week by the old man. He definitely took a step up front last week. The back & forth with Danny is incredibly funny to me. I honestly don’t know how he deals with him. The fucking blasting of documentaries at 3am while Danny is trying to sleep, is wildly funny but if it was me it would make me want to peel his skin off. With that said, it was still refreshing to see Unc ripping beer bongs with the youngCats. My guy was boppin’ around, dancing… he even had Bri choke him out while Ella ripped his shirt off which was a real treat to see. All in all, proud of my guy.

7. Jackie: Jackie had a quiet week in terms of drama, but whenever you “total” a co-worker, it’s definitely going to help your content rankings. We did get some tears after the text messages were made public, revealing that her & Danny like to turn the volume up to 100 (Loud sexual activity). It all settled down once Jackie realizes she’s beloved & has nothing to be ashamed of. Whenever you get in your head about thinking people are going to judge you, or something happens to make you feel like the world is ending just remember this; Bad news is, nobody cares. Good news is, nobody cares.

6. Tommy: Once again… if you fuck, stock goes up, & this is the case for Tommy. He just a funny dude, so regardless what he’s doing it will be entertaining. He’s never going to be a lighting rod for drama but he proved this weekend he can be a lighting rod for any blonde at the shore. I'm still waiting for a blackout night where he completely embarrasses himself in a goofy charming way. That is what is missing for me. But... Proud of him. RING THE BELL!!!

5. Danny: ANOTHER ONE (DJ Kalid voice*). Danny makes 3 sex havers in a row! GREAT JOB TEAM! But really… having sex does help his ranking but Conrad deserves it even without that. His Dante converse is hilarious, his background comments on the chaos around him are always funny too. He even dipped his toe into the drama pool by exposing the Ella/Oona/Kevin trifecta. We didn’t get much fireworks from it, but he was trying & I appreciate effort. Danny is another cast member who could use a blackout rage night to up his stock. He's generally a calm and quiet guy but those are the ones you have to watch. I sense a demon inside of him and i want to see it dance.

4. Brianna: Bri had a great weekend in my opinion. She’s actually been awesome the entire time. Fun, funny, lighthearted. She’s kissing Katic, jumping on the bar, drinking, dancing. She’s doing exactly what she’s supposed to do. She’s not afraid of confrontation either, which is exactly what this show needs more of. I also love the dynamic of her & Ella. Just 2 chicks ready & willing to get after it & make a fool out of themself. The girl is full throttle and i fuck with that. Drink, Pull trig, Drink more. The only think I'm missing from Bri to complete her arc is if she cracks Katic.

3. Nicky Smokes: This is going to be an unpopular opinion maybe but I like the guy. He was called a rapist night 1 by the biggest star in the cast & didn’t miss a beat. Well he did cry for a bit after that but who wouldn’t!!! If you can turn your bias off for a second… look inward & be honest with yourself…. This show might’ve been scraped after week 1 if it wasn’t for Smokes. Yes, he was obsessing over Annikia but listen... i lost 3 semesters in college to a bad Dominican, so who am i to judge. But the guy is right. People are playing it safe. They are super aware of the cameras & the perceived backlash they might get if they act out. He’s the only I think is really taking this show for what it’s meant to be… content. What I need is for Anikin to whisper into some ears at Camp this week & gets some of the others onto the dark side with him.

2. Ella: I think everyone knows how much I love Ella. She is wildly funny in just her normal sober interactions with people. Then you get her buzzin’ with some Tito’s & she takes it to another level. When she’s happy, she’s funny. When she’s pissed, she’s funny. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she’s asked to do one of these bigger well know network reality shows in the future. She just has it. Besides the #1 on this list, no one’s else’s stock has risen more than hers. I said it last week and ill say it again... she needs to be more involved in Chicago. I don't know if she's shy around BigCat or something but she needs to demand the ball.

1. Katic: The mother fucking NightKrawler. My guy continues to dominate the shore. He’s my favorite person to watch. I wish Fasoli would follow him around all day with his drone…. I’d be mesmerized. Is anyone on the planet having a better summer than Katic? Guy gets to eat, drink, party, motorboat Bri, all while getting paid!! Unbelievable. The only thing im worried about is, I don't know how much more my guy has in the tank after this weekend. A lot of people say they give 100% but don't mean it... King Krawler goes 100%. I know I've been asking for it for weeks now, but the only piece missing for me is a physical altercation. I want bodies flying. I need to see Katic in a B.O.B blocking scheme. Body on body... Big on Big. Meat on Meat. We did she another unit try to pop top and show up my boy, but it was a friendly gesture as a sign of respect.

So on to week 3... but first a week long pit-stop at Camp Barstool. I'm hoping none of the drama carries over from the weekend. I hope we can just have a peaceful week of sun, fun, and games. I'm kidding i want fucking chaos. Should be an electric week either way. Right from there, the cast is straight back to the shore. There are even rumors of a certain bowl cut that is showing up on Friday... Should be interesting.