5 Keys to Success: A Thanksgiving Manifesto

This manifesto is more of a list of 5 keys to hit on during your thanksgiving dinner. Just follow this guide & I promise I’ll get you right.

1. Dress up a bit

Look good, feel good. I know you want to be comfortable but that doesn’t mean you have to be a slob. Have some respect for the day. The pilgrims didn’t come here and lay waste to an entire continent for you to wear a tee shirt sweatpants & crocs. It will get a nice smile out if your mom & grandma. Plus, you’re going to want to look decent for #4. I suggest a pair of Big & Tall Dockers Men's Classic Fit Workday Khaki Smart 360 FLEX Pants & a nice sweater or quarter zip. You’ll be golden.

2. Find a good seat.

Location location location. This might sound trivial but I promise it makes all the difference. You need to secure prime real estate early. If you’re eating with a large group, who you sit next to is absolutely critical. I like to sit next to the youngings. They don’t talk about politics & they make great High Noon fetchers. You also need to have easy access to the living room as to not make a scene when you’re popping in & out to watch Cooper Rush & Tommy DeVito throw picks back & fourth. Also try not to sit in the middle of the table. You don’t want to get caught in the middle of a “Can you pass this down?” Feedback loop.

3. Do drugs/ Drink alcohol

This one might not be for everyone but   I promise… drinking is cool & doing drugs is cooler. If your family is anything like mine, you know they are insane. It’s a long day & you need PEDs to get through it. I suggest you start the day with a coffee (Café Bustelo), a couple 6% menthol Zyns & 2 screwdrivers. This is light, but it’s a marathon not a sprint. You need a nice base to build apon. Come noon, you’re going to wanna hit a weed pen or a couple gummies. This will relieve the stress, & activate your hunger receptors that you’re gunna need in the coming hours. Right before dinner, when your cool cousins get there, take shots. These won’t hit you immediately but they are important since once you start eating, it’s hard for the alcohol to reach your blood stream. I take around 5-6 on account of my sheer mass, but for you regular sized people… 2-3 should do the trick. After dinner but before dessert, you go 2-3 hits off a blunt & a couple more Zyns. Then it’s football for a couple hours. During this time you want to reach pure homeostasis. Drink at your leisure, get the mind right, hit some parlays.

Once football is over, this is when you really get after it. If you do blow, now is your time to shine. I don’t partake but this is usually when my niece’s & nephews watch me chug a bottle of pinot Grigio… Just as a pallet cleanser. From now until around 2am it’s shots… Zyns… Newport 100s on repeat. Once you sense the party… I mean dinner dying down, you take your last few gummies & move to #4.

4. Send the text.

This is probably more for the day before thanksgiving but I’m including it because it’s important. Whoever it is, how ever long it’s been since you’ve seen them, just send the text. WHO CARES?!? NOTHINGS REAL. ITS ALL FAKE. Let it fucking rip! You think at 80 years old you’re going to regret trying to get your root ripped by some girl you went to high school with & haven’t spoken to in 5 years?! NOOO. Worst case senario they dont respond. Best case scenario you get to belly slap & bump uglys with Becca from English class. So scroll through your phone or instagram & fire away. You need to plant seeds. Even where the soil isn’t that fertile, YOU NEED YOU PLANT SEEDS. Not 1, not 2. Dozens of seeds. You only need 1 to sprout.

I  like to target the ones who haven’t posted pictures of their Boyfriend in a few weeks. Tell tail sign that it’s not going well. I’ve also found success with the ones who have been posting depressing quotes or song lyrics on their instagram story. They are clearly going through something. Use that sadness & sorrow to your advantage!!! Strike!! You reap what you sow!! So text your Ex… tell her you miss her. Send the DM. Ask for titty pics. You’d be amazed what a simple “Heyyy” & a positive disposition can get you.

5. Enjoy your family.

This one is last, but is most definitely the most important. I know I’m good time, fun time, silly goose Twan, but in all seriousness, spend time with your family. Don’t leave early. Don’t show up late. The reality is, life is short. We are all just well organized space dust, floating around on a giant rock in an endless void. Our time on this earth is fleeting. There’s something like 8 billion humans alive right now & the harsh reality is that only like 10-20 of those people, actually love you. Be nice to them. Tell them you love them. Nothing in the world really matters besides these people. Not money, not things, not a job, nothing is more important than your family. You can’t take your money with you when you die. The Egyptians tried it & it didn’t work.  I know it’s easy to be cynical & get caught up in stupid arguments but enjoy the time you have while you have it. We only get to do this thing once.