The Barstool Yak's Time in History

Okay, this one’s for the niche Yak listeners who may know a bit about history as well. For those who aren’t followers of the blog, my day job is as a history teacher. So I personally love the Yaks where they hit the rabbit hole button on the historical trail. Lately, it’s felt like they’ve been really in their bag with the history look-ins.

So as they talk about different eras and how they’d do in each, it got me thinking a little bit about which eras in time actually fit each of our favorite yak stars to make the biggest historical impact. After some extensive research, I’ve found the best possible fits.

KB – Egyptian Pharaohs

Now KB is a tough one to pinpoint, any true Stoolie knows this. He’s something of an enigma. BUT! There are some keys to Mr. No Swag that align perfectly with this time period.

First off, it might be the only time in history when cats reigned over dogs, and as we all know, he’s the cat man to the core. Next, height, being 5’8" during this time puts him in elite status, maybe even royal bloodlines. Combine that with his ability to overpower others with limited weaponry & brute force, well you’ve got a pharaoh in the making.

Lastly, his mind... those unique skills of wit and mapping memory would make him a god among his people. Leading his nation to new horizons

Titus – Wild West America

First off, he’s got the look down, the lanky gunfighter with the ’stache. The ladies would adore him, and the men would fear him. Dude is a sheriff in some Montana town in the 1890s, known for the law above all. Throw in how direct he is, and it fits this era perfectly.

And of course, he’s a known sharpshooter, key to legend status in the West.

Nick – Industrial Revolution Inventor

If you don’t see Nick as an Industrial Revolution inventor, then I don’t know what you’re doing here. Every Plinko, draft, or random yak game day, it’s Turani who’s the inventor or mastermind behind it all. Coming up with the wildest concepts we wish we could fathom.

Put that brain in the 1800s when nothing was invented yet? It’s a wrap. We’d be lighting the Christmas tree in the Turani Center or catching an opera at Turani Hall, no doubt about it.

Dana – Greek “300” Warrior

This man is a Spartan warrior without a doubt. I know he’s got Egyptian ties in reality, but Dana not only has the look of a Spartan... he’s got the bravery too. Always down for anything, and always does it well.

Conrad – Victorian-Era Detective

Now, as a “Comrade OG,” my lazy pick would’ve been to tie him to his army’s origin. But I ain’t lazy around here.

Let’s instead think about Conrad’s niche... getting the deets, figuring out the skinny, doing a little digging around. Sherlock Holmes, move over, you’ve got competition. Conrad would’ve been solving every damn crime across the world in that time period. No one’s getting off without doing time if he’s patrolling the streets.

Brandon Walker – Civil War General (Union)

The easy move is “Southern Civil War General,” but hear me out... why not Northern? You know, a Scalawag (for those who don’t know, that’s a term for Southerners who sympathized with the Northern cause).

He did abandon his Southern roots for greener pastures up North, now adopting their way of life as his own. Sounds like a hammer hitting a nail for “Union General Thomas B. Walker” to me.

Big Cat – 1920s Football Legend

For Big Cat, I’m sticking with his own idea, 1920s football player. His size and athleticism (yes, he’s shown it... check the tapes) would make him a generational legend even possibly a multi-sport star.

College players today would be vying for the Katz Trophy instead of the Heisman. Ruth vs. Ohtani? Nah... Katz vs. Brady. The debates would be insane.

Kate – Medieval France (Joan of Arc Era)

Already in this life she’s a military machine, so why wouldn’t she have been right alongside Joan of Arc?

Kate during this time period would be an unstoppable weapon. She’s already seen it all, given birth, survived a melted spine basically... so put her on a battlefield and she’s controlling some country within a year.

Eddie – 1930s Chicago Mob Boss

The Chicago man to the end of the earth, this one’s too perfect.

1930s-40s mob boss Eddie? No doubt. He’s always talking about the deals he can make. A total people person. He’d have the city of Chicago in the palm of his hand.

You could picture him telling Dan “Big Cat” Katz to throw the championship game, ending his famed football career... yeah that kind of power.

Steven Cheah – Beat Adam Schefter to being Adam Schefter

Look, Cheah is meant for this... it could be his destiny. He’s built for sports and only sports. His time period is now; he’s just found a way to be Schefty. We can’t fight it on this one. Any other time period, the man would be lost. But he owns now.

Soo ya that is after hours of deep thought & research of course. Though I’d love to see what other Stoolies think about their favorite yakkers’ best shot at being historic. Could Nick fit better in Colonial times? Or Dana in the medieval era?

This also might be one of the dumbest blogs I’ve ever written... but it was pretty damn fun too.