Surviving Barstool Week 1 Awards

Surviving Barstool's anticipated return came last week and unlike a certain "King of the South" it did not disappoint. From whispers to screams, balance beams to griddys, and clothes that fit to... well... clothes that don't.

This show has had it all so far and according to Dave Portnoy, it hasn't even started yet. If you've been living under a rock and missing out on the most captivating series on the internet, you're a dummy, but I've got you covered. SPOILERS AHEAD

To get started, let's lay out the teams. This year, instead of a draft they came in and were assigned to 1 of 3 teams; Pizza, Moon, & Brick.

Team Pizza: Dave Portnoy, White Sox Dave, Arian Foster, Francis, Ria, Rico Bosco, Caleb Pressley, & Klemmer

Team Moon: Big Cat, Will Compton, Ryan Whitney, Mintzy, Megan Makin' Money, Wallo, Smitty, and Robbie Fox

Team Brick: Jersey Jerry, Kirk Minihane, Kelly Keegs, Rone, Gillie, Taylor Lewan, Paul Bissonnette, & Moobie

The way these teams stack up is perfect and sets up for absolute cinema when it comes to eliminations. If we were picking a team I'd expect a winner to come out of I'd have to lean Brick. They've got hitters and maniacs up and down the lineup. However, that could be a cop-out since I know what's happened through 3 episodes, so let's get to the awards.

MVP: Francis Ellis

Francis flew out of the gates, literally. In the first challenge, the twice-hired comedian used his Harvard education and developed the best strategy to get out of their bamboo prison but ultimately was cucked by Jeff D. Lowe-budget's locks which allowed Team Brick to mentally put their puzzle together while the clock was stopped.

You think an early loss that was out of your hands would bring you down but you'd be wrong. Francis searched the halls of Barstool Chicago and found not one but TWO immunity keys. He went with his gut on the first and got himself an immunity idol then lost his vote on the second. The genius that came from this was Francis confessing he found a clue and lost his vote to gain favor from his peers that he could be trusted, only to keep the dogs off the chase and stash his idol away.

Francis also crushed the 2nd challenge with the slingshot only to have Ria and Klemmer stand by and cause their team to fall behind instead of going to get the puzzle pieces which eventually was an admitted fault to the team as a whole. He then avenged the two close losses by being the first team across the beam and completing the hardest puzzle yet.

Francis has seemed to learn his lesson from Most Dangerous Game and he has been proficient in every challenge, worked his way into Klemmer's spot in an alliance with Bosco, Ria, and Dave, AND has an immunity idol stashed in case shit hits the fan. His gameplay has been flawless and appears to be the favorite to win.

LVP: Ben Mintz

A last minute substitution for Brianna Chickenfry who seems to be borrowing her shirts for this show. I could probably leave the picture there and that would be enough evidence of why he's the least valuable thus far but I'll give a little detail on the melting ice cream cone pictured above.

In the first challenge, while stranded in the cage, Mintzy stood in the corner clapping and cheering his team on instead of making any effort to construct poles or get keys. That may have been a team decision to have him be the cheerleader for concern that he would fuck it up but for Christ's sake Mintzy make some kind of effort to be a contributing team member. I just re-read that sentence and am now realizing that his non-contribution is what should've been expected given his recent behavior over the last 30-something years.

For the second challenge we got to see Mintzy help by collecting puzzle pieces but he was still the last to return to the group. It's possible he got lost in the office due to unfamiliarity but the most likely reason for lagging was being weighed down by whatever the hell he keeps in his pockets.

Mintzy will go as far as Big Cat allows him but barring some crazy backstab, the sacrificial lamb will be gone soon.

Agent Of Chaos: Rico Bosco

No surprise here. Rico Bosco has been an agent of chaos long before the games began but he's definitely in the bag of the old dog for this series. He began the game by letting everyone know he might be off his meds and his night terrors are to be expected.

If I was a roommate of his I'd instantly be like we have to get this guy out of here for the sake of sanity but with the alliance of Dave Portnoy, Ria, and Francis, things are looking good for Rico. I think punching down and having Mintzy search through Big Cat's pile for no reason was a little much but Rico thrives off that shit. It's fuel for when he's eavesdropping on conversations with a handful of popcorn, have to take the good with the bad. Going forward, I'd advise Rico to not tell everyone the plans for Team Pizza going to council and then lie directly to Dave's face but he probably will.

Biggest Skell: Taylor Lewan

Taylor's gameplay or lack of it has just irritated me and it came to a head when he told Rico he was hearing his name being floated for elimination for no reason. A pointless shot to fuck with Rico's head when they're not on the same team or have anything to do with each other. He just knows Rico has the crazy label and was trying to stoke the fire.

He was also a key contributor in getting my boy JJ voted off which was Jerry's fault because he came in a little too cocky but still behavior I don't condone. I think Taylor's Skell behavior will be his downfall and he's likely on the chopping block soon unless he somehow links with Big Cat and Willy. When he's eliminated the Ryder flags will be waving proudly.

That's all I've got for week 1 awards but I'd like to give an honorable mention to Ria and Biz who were in close contention for MVP but Biz hasn't played the mental game and Ria let Pizza down by not getting puzzle pieces.

As for LVP's honorable mention, you could put Jerry up there for overplaying his hand or Gillie for not playing the alliance game but he's been great in challenges and JJ already threw his torch down.

One prediction before I close, Keegs wins it all. VIVA