The Master's Menu Intervention

The menu at The Masters is considered by some to be iconic, but I’m here to say you are all living a lie. Frankly, let’s be honest: the prices blind you to the fact that their food menu may be the biggest pile of dog crap you’ll ever see. This is not a Little League tournament in Mayberry, North Carolina, this is the freaking Masters. You can’t run, you can't have phones, and you are considered "patrons." So, let’s feed them at the level these patrons deserve.

Since The Masters won’t be changing the menu anytime soon, I have taken the liberty of helping out the tournament that we all love and hold so dear in our hearts. I have a man who can help us dream of better food options as we watch the world’s greatest play such a beautiful game against the most scenic backgrounds.

First, let's look at the actual menu we have at The Masters currently. I mean, come on, the fact that they are leading off with EGG SALAD!!?!? That should tell you everything you need to know about this full menu. Again, we get swept up in the amazing prices, but if you are paying for apple slices, of course it’s gonna be cheap, people!

Let’s find some suitable changes:

#5 - Baskin-Robbins

Yes, there’s an ice cream sandwich on the menu, but come on, we need Scottie Scheffler teeing up at Amen Corner with some waffle cones full of vanilla cookie dough in the background. Tell me that doesn’t fit? YOU CAN’T! Ice cream has to be more available at the Masters; it just goes with the backdrop.

#4 - Buffalo Wild Wings

Wings and sports go together; they're hand-in-hand, and you can’t imagine one without the other. Can you just imagine Hank (the buffalo from the commercial, yes, that’s his name, look it up) teeing it up and dishing out some wings in his custom-fit Masters gear? We know the sauces won't be a problem as they have a BBQ sammy on the menu already, but this way people get the options they deserve!

#3 - Pizza Hut

Slices to go on the course? That is heaven when you are already in heaven. Some "inception action" in Augusta is what they need. Listen, these tickets ain't easy to come by, so people deserve some pizza around the course. No one out-pizzas the Hut, and Augusta is no exception to the rule. This could be the game-changer we all need to take the viewing experience to that next level.

#2 - In-N-Out Burger

It’s time to bring the West Coast to Georgia’s paradise. It's the best burger to have when you are chillin' for a day, so why not have it on the golf course while watching the views all around you? Now, some weak-minded individuals will cry "overrated" when In-N-Out is brought up, but they are just showing their lack of taste buds to the world. That fresh and simple greatness would go hand-in-hand with the Augusta vibes.

#1 - Chick-fil-A

Come on, was there ever going to be another place in the top spot? We also can’t forget how Chick-fil-A already released a pimento cheese sandwich in recent years. They would be the perfect place to keep that "Masters exclusive" feel while giving the patrons a few more options. It is a seamless addition to make a ticket to the year's first major even more in demand.

While I know some people are going to demand my head on a stake for this take and come back with talk of "tradition" or "history"...come on. I’m all for that, but not with food. Just as Rory said about his Champions Dinner, we want to enjoy our food! We need to give the patrons some damn good shit to eat. They can't check Twitter all day, and you're gonna try to fill that void with uhhhh... egg sandwiches??!!? This is the only issue within The Masters; it may be a small complaint, but it is warranted. I am tired of the charades! It’s time we accept the reality: good prices don't mean good food. Stop lying to yourselves.