Content Power Rankings: Week 1 Barstool Beach House

Barstool Beach house kicked off this weekend after months of anticipation. I've been giddy waiting for this show to start like a child pretending to sleep on Christmas eve. Its a amalgamation of a few of my favorites things in life... Barstool, Reality TV, Drama & Love. I'll admit, I was initially worried that it would be hard to follow, lack context, and not live up to its full potential. But hand up, I've never been more wrong. (Ehhhhh.. well that's not true, when i was a kid, i knew girls didn't have a penis, but thought they still had balls). Anyway... like a lot of people, I was following along, refreshing my timeline every 45 seconds like a crack addict. The social team crushed. Updates were coming in constantly. Zero boring clips... no fluff, just straight gas. That being said... I still think a 24 hour Big Brother-esque live stream would've be incredible.

The main story lines that dominated the conversation going in to this weekend were:

1. Annika & Smokes- The classic reality TV troupe of "Will they, wont they?" captivated me. At any and every moment i was ready for Annika to give in to the dark side, and join Anakin in his quest for love. I was also prepared (and honestly kinda hoping) for Annaika to go full blown Praying Mantis and rip Nickys head off.

2. Will Danny & Jackie "Janny" Happen- This one, I was most excited for. I've never met either of these people in person, but I couldn't be more invested in their love story. I cant help it. I love Love. And until I trick a female into loving me, this is all i got.

3. Will anyone get fired?- I personally wasn't worried about this one. Dave made it clear that besides doing or being one of the big 3 (R,R,P) they don't need to worry about being fired. We did get one of the R words thrown around but it was a false alarm.

All 3 of these storylines played out to varying degrees the first weekend, and ill touch on them later, but these are my Official Content Rankings after week 1. Everyone was bringing heat and had very funny moments but a few went above and beyond to separate themselves from the pack. Disclaimer: These rankings are purely content. I do not condone any bad behavior but you cant deny content is king.

10. Dante the Don

Let me start with an apology. Apparently Dante got annoyed that in my tweets I had been spelling his name wrong. I think, he thinks it was intentional (which it wasn't). I don't even really get the joke he thinks i was making... I mistakenly spelled it "Donte"... i mean, come on. Maybe i was spelling it phonetically? idk. In my defense, i failed spelling until it wasn't a category on report cards anymore. They put me in fucking remedial reading because i spelt so bad and they didnt know what to do with me. I still remember having to sit with fucking Ray Famoso & Neil Arnold and watch them stutter though simple sentences for an hour a week..... miserable. "We just dont understand how you can read but cant spell?"...uhm its pretty simple.... your giving me the answer... I just have to pronounce it. I have no clue how you got there but once you show me, I can fucking say it!! Anyway... Dante ranks 10th just because others outshined. I think Dante is a great addition. The wise vet, making sure people are feed, kitchen is clean, & boys are shooting shots is a very important role. He'll have his moments but in a house with the rest of these animals... its hard to break through. I'm glad he's there though.

9. "Americas Sweetheart" Tommy Smokes

Again, these bottom few cast members were great, and brought a lot to the table but even the stars are invisible when the sun is out. (wow, just made that up, put it on a bumper sticker). Tommy has a few good moments, loved the "Chivalrous white knight" bit. Really appreciated his work with the local blonde community as well. I think now that he's got the lay of the land, week 2 will be big for him. I’m expecting a triple double from my guy.

8. Oona

I think Oona has a real chance to be a star. She got off to a bit of a rough start week 1 but nothing she cant bounce back from. Oona found herself in the epicenter of the storm that is Nicky & Annika. Now we really didn't get to the bottom of whether or not she did or didn't tell Bri she was uncomfortable with her interactions with Smokes, but I have a few theories. I think Oona is young, trying to find her place, not trying to ruffle feathers, and kind of let Bri run with the uncomfortable narrative a bit to far. Again... i know nothing other than what i see, and how i perceive it. I think Bri was trying to be protective, Oona played into it a bit, then realized it became bigger than it really was. After that, I felt she kinda faded to the back, which was a good play. Gather yourself, get back to neutral, reset to your homeostasis. Its a marathon, not a sprint. Im looking forward to see how she operates in week 2. Lot of potential in Oona. I believe in her.

7. Jackie

I might be biased here.... but i cant help it. Like i said, I love Love. She's corky, funny, adorable and 1/2 of of my new favorite couple "Janny". Jackie is a weirdo in the best way. She says dumb shit sometimes, but then 30 seconds later she can say something quite profound. She was part of an isosceles love triangle which made for incredible content. 1 second im pissed off cause shes hugging on Smokes, the next im smiling kicking my feet cause shes kissing Danny. She was built in a lab for this show. Going into next week im wondering if the internet pressure is too much and she self sabotages, or she follows her heart and solidifies Janny as Americas Favorite Barstool Couple.

6. Annika

Annika is the homie. Im a big Annika fan. I like the way she moves in the world. Head up, straight forward, ten toes down. Real G shit. If anyone has the potential to move up the rankings in week 2, its her. We saw glimpses of her powers when she armed up and put on the Rico Ryders hoodie. Hoodie Annika gave me flash backs of peak J-Wow. Claws out, hands clapping, head boppin', shit talkin'. Loved it. I dont know her nationality but i swear theres gotta be some Puerto Rican in there somewhere. I'm hyped for her going into week 2. Does she let loose & go hog wild? Bring home some juice heads? Throw up on a bouncer? All of the above? We shall see.

5. Danny Conrad

Danny Danny Danny.... i could not be more proud of my guy. Danny turned a fun, light hearted preseason bit, into reality. He weathered the Smokes Storm, and came out victorious on the other side. True gentleman in every sense of the word. I've been in his position before (yes KFC, fat people fuck too.). I think a lot of guys can relate to the situation Danny was put in. Your at the bar with a prospect, and some douchebag comes over and tries to steal your honey. She's drunk, so she kinda plays into it a little bit. At that moment you have 2 choices... you can submit, get pissed off and drink the pain away, or you can stand strong in your faith in the lord, and rebuke that evil. Danny did not cower. He did not bend. He did not break. He fought fire with fire, and took the girl home, fed her, and made sure she was okay. Class, class, class. Now.... there is a potential for Janny to become officially Official and fade into the background, and im slightly concerned about that. But, Im hoping that they both, in there new found love, use this foundation of trust, to let loose, rage, and dominate the remaining 3 weekends together as a unit. Janny 4eva. Also… his Smokes edit the morning after the attempted robbery was a chefs kiss. Well played.

4. Ella Grif

Maybe being surprised by this is my fault, for not being familiar with her game, but Ella Grif came from the clouds and absolutely dominated this weekend. I mean... being ranked inside the top 4 and having ZERO drama associated with your name is nearly impossible in the reality TV game. She was all vibes, all weekend. Just a masterclass in how to be the lovable wildcard. Countless funny clips. Completely unpredictable. She stole a mannequin, won a bicycle, got yelled at for cursing in front of children, all while staying on the right side of crazy. She was one of the boys, she was one of the girls, she was perfect. Her connection with Katic was awesome. A mixture of brother/sister & Lenny/George. I said after day 1, we need a spin-off to follow them around. I simply couldnt get enough of her content. She is a star. I really hope she is used more in the day to day content in Chicago. She deserves it. Self aware. Funny. & down for anything. Incredible performance.

3. Brianna Chickenfry

She just has to be top 3. Calling a co-worker a Rapist, then moments later saying you love him to death, is undoubtably fantastic content. I know... i know... Its not cool to accuse someone of rape, but she clearly wasn't serious. Anyone trying to get on her for that is a disingenuous moron. She was at the center or the Nicki/Oona/Annika fiasco, she rode Katic's private square like a true professional, She almost flashed the whole bar, she was on stage, she was throwing up & she finished the weekend by kissing Katic on IG Live. Bri is a star... its undeniable. Did she get over zealous trying to protect Oona? yeah, probably, but she was just looking out for the young cat. My only ripe is her bringing those random dudes into the house. I'm sure they are nice boys, but I'm with Katic on this one... if your going to bring friends... they better be fuckable.

2. Nicky Smokes

Listen... I know some of his behavior was questionable, but you have to be honest, most of the drama.... actually ALL of the drama, was involving Nicky. And yes...this is a reality show... drama is important. As much fun as I had watching Ella & Katic, I was equally engaged in the Smokes Show. I don't think its farfetched to say, going into this weekend, he was viewed as a villain. But then night one, Nicky was called a rapist by Bri, and the internet rushed to defend him. 24 hours later, he tried to get in between Janny, and was right back to square one. I have always defended Nicky, because I thought he got a bad rap. He was hired as the heel, then people get mad when he does heel things, but i have to admit, I was disappointed in his antics surrounding Jackie and Danny. I think he blatantly disrespected Danny. Obviously alcohol was a factor in that, because i don't think he'd do that otherwise, but it was still hard to see. All things considered. This show simply isn't as big without Nicky Smokes. Flat-out. He's made for reality TV. He drove the narrative. He kept us entertained. He did his job.

1. Mike Katic

I'll start this by saying #RicoWasRight. I'm buying every single piece of Katic stock i can find. I love him so much. Deep love. True love. From the moment cameras were rolling Thursday to the literal last clip posted on Saturday night, Katic was an absolute LASER SHOW. I mean this guy just has aura. Not hot guy, slick talking aura... he's got, i wanna be friends, i wanna party with him type aura. I don't think a human on earth had more fun than Katic these past 3 days. Guy was loving life, and it was an absolute joy to watch. I just couldn't keep my eyes off of him. I kept refreshing to see what he was eating, what he was drinking, who he was getting ridden by, was his shirt on? The guy is a machine. Just a big powerful man, with a heart of gold. His facial expressions, and child like giggle make my heart smile. His paring with Ella & Bri were amazing. The Night Krawler owned every second of the weekend. It is going to take a monumental week 2 for anyone on the cast to dethrone my guy. I don't even think he has reached escape velocity!!! I'm still waiting for some dirt rock at the bar to talk shit, and have Katic just drop to a 3-point stance and cave in the douchebags chest at full throttle. God what a specimen.

The show returns next Thursday, and with the reception, i assume the format will stay the same. What's really going to be interesting, and something I've been thinking about is how their co-workers that aren't on the show will react when they get back Monday morning. Are people going to be view them differently? Will the show drama spill into the work week? Can the Night Krawler be contained until Thursday? A lot of questions. Luckily for us, we got an after show, hosted by Rone, that will air Monday at 10am. Although I think Mook and his late night form would've been perfect for the after show, Rone is going to crush it. A he's a perfect mix of inviting, so people will talk openly, and high enough in the company, where people really respect him. Can't wait.